Going Bald

The hair loss is a funny thing. On the one hand, I was totally ready for it. I stopped on the way to the first chemo session and bought a wig. I went on-line and ordered two turbans (disappointing when they arrived) and several scarves. My mother sent enough scarves for two lifetimes of baldness. So I was ready.

But now that it is coming out, I am dreading it. It started coming out around the two-week point after the first chemo session. They said it would come out between week two and three, and they seem to be right on the money. By the Friday between week two and three, I was shedding worse than our golden retriever. I tried to forestall it by not washing my hair, which sort of worked for a while, but I had to wash it eventually. So Sunday I washed it and I think more fell out than I have left on my head. I’m within a day, at most two, of taking the rest off with a buzz cut. I pulled out one the scarves and did a wrap, that was better than I’d expected.

I realize what I dread about it is not the aesthetics but that being bald says more than anything, more than the port or the feeling crummy, “Cancer Patient.” And that is just not how I want to define myself. So I need to work on that one.

Meanwhile, Tony has started working with me doing healing sessions. Years and years ago, when we lived in the city, he took a number of seminars and workshops on meditation and healing. Over the years, he has occasionally used some of the techniques with his hospice patients (he’s a volunteer with the local hospice organization). Now, he is working with me. The sessions run about 20 minutes or so (actually, that’s just my guess, since I lose track of time), and he has me doing relaxation breathing and then some wonderful visualization – of blue skies, warm, nurturing sunlight (Leo that I am, I love the sun imagery) and then a healing white light. I am sure it will help.

What also helps is all the wonderful e-mails and cards I am getting. I have a stack of unopened cards that came after the worst of the chemo side effects had worn off, so I thought I’d save them and open them when I am feeling crummy again. It’s funny that something so simple as a card or a note or flowers can be so helpful. From the other side, I never realized that.